Category: LGBT Discussion
Hi guys,
As much as I enjoy talking with those who are out and proud -- or allies of same -- I sometimes wonder about those who cannot post a message here or on other glbt oriented boards on the net. It's hard enough to decide to make your preferences known to the general public, but when you live in a small town, come from an intolerant or religious fundamentalist background, or are simply afraid of reactions from your friends and family, you cannot take comfort from even virtually being with those like yourself. I'm out to my friends, family and anyone who bothers to do a bit of research on the Internet, discovering my posts here for example, but there was a time when I couldn't be true to myself.
I was only 8 years old when I realized that I liked boys better than girls. From all the movies I'd seen, the church I attended, and the relationships around me, I knew that the things I felt were not the norm. Eventually, I had a secret relationship with my best friend. To this day I am not sure whether he's gay, bi or straight, but that time remains one of many great memories in my past. I also had secret relationships with other boys after him. Having said that, I must also point out that after the feelings of rightness and ecstasy at even a kiss, the feelings of guilt and even shame I felt kept me from realizing those relationships' potentials. In fact, after we went our separate ways, I began reading the bible from cover to cover, and I decided that I didn't agree with everything it said. Something in me felt the need to reject any god who called my feelings evil and me an bad person for feeling them.
Even after finding my own spiritual path, I still couldn't bring myself to come out to even my family. I knew they loved me, but I couldn't imagine what their reactions might be. They'd always been very tolerant and accepting people, but I was still a frightened teen. I tried to convince myself that I was bisexual simply because my body reacted to girls as well as boys. I quashed the fact that my reactions to females were very limited indeed. In short, it took me a very long time and a tun of bad relationships on both sides to come into my own identity. I finally told my family and friends, and they took it quite well. I was of course relieved, but I then I wondered how much easier it would have been had I told them sooner. Also, being out of all forms of school, and working in a fairly self-contained job, I wonder if the chance to find a good partner has slipped away with time.
I'm sure that my story is probably way more than many wished to know, but I wrote that piece of my life history here to give you an idea of what some of those nameless readers might be feeling, and also to ask the following questions about your experiences.
When were you able to acknowledge and accept your own feelings?
Have you found that being blind affects your opportunities to find your soul mate?
What do you regret, if anything, about your childhood or teenage years in relation to your self-discovery?
What advice would you give to someone who is trying to discover where his or her preferences truly lie?
Hopefully, we can at least be a sounding board for others who are stuck in that kind of predicament.
Wow, thank you for sharing your story and these are some great jump off questions.
When were you able to acknowledge and accept your own feelings?
I think at my core I'm a late bloomer; I'm clueless. It's only looking back that I recognize what my feelings may have been. I gravitated to women, when my friends gushed over the latest actor or male singer, only women popped into my head. Lol, when I watched the tv show hunter, it was McCall who I found enjoyable. I was a huge fan of all those long hair pretty boy rock bands. To my blind eye, Bret Michaels could have been a Michel. I had crushes on my female teachers not the men. When I was going through all of this, I didn't know what it was. I didn't think about it and noone questioned me.
Have you found that being blind affects your opportunities to find your soul mate?
Yes, being blind and my own shy personality. I didn't meet my soulmate until I was 27 and it was over the internet. I wasn't even out, or at least, the announcement hadn't been made. If it wasn't for the internet, I don't know how I would have met that special someone. It isn't like I was bar hopping or very sociable. I have never approached someone and made the first move. The internet felt safer. I know that could be an oxymoron.
What do you regret, if anything, about your childhood or teenage years in relation
to your self-discovery?
My fear. I wish I had jumped out there more; risked!
What advice would you give to someone who is trying to discover where his or her
preferences truly lie?
Hmmm, I'm not sure. It must feel so scary if you are a teanager in a household that would not discuss these feelings. I would have to think about some advice. There are so many different growing up situations out there.
This is an amazing topic.
When I hit preteendom, I became quite boy-crazy. But looking back, I'd have to say that the first time I can remember being attracted to a girl was in eighth grade. I didn't really recognize it for what it was at the time, but a year later, when I knew a little more about sexuality, I started having the feeling that I liked both guys and girls. But because of my fear of religious repercussions, I always kept such feelings at bay. Then, in my second year of college, the feelings started presenting themselves more and more often. I had also found myself drawn to the thought of a more spiritual life, as in yogic spirituality and Pagan spirituality. One day, something clicked in my head: 1. Why should I believe in a religion that condemns people for their sexual preferences and 2. why should I believe in a religion that says that nonbelievers will spend an eternity in hell? So I made the decisions to embrace being bisexual and not to be Christian. I wasn't completely free of doubt, and indeed that was a very tricky time in my life, but almost two years have passed and I'm extremely happy with the decisions.
As far as blindness affecting my dating possibilities, I think the only way in which it has is that back when I was looking, I couldn't just get in a car and go out to meet people whenever I wanted.
The only thing I would do differently if I could would be to have embraced my true self as soon as I realized it.
My advice: if you're struggling with your self-identity because you're afraid of what your family, friends, religion, co-workers, etc., will say, just embrace your true self without worrying about all that. I know it's easier said than done, but those who truly care about you will not judge you or make you feel like you're doing or feeling something wrong. The sooner you're true to yourself and your happiness, the better you'll feel.
Namaste,
Becky
Oh gosh I love this so hear goes.
I knew I was a lesbian at age 12 when all my friends started dating guys. As a teen and growing up in an alcoholic home the net and those old chatlines became my best friends lol. I started to talk to tons of people when I turned 15 or so and met my first gf on a chatline and we dated for 3 years. I wanted so much to take her to my prom but I was so scared of my mom finding out or grandma and hating me. Then after the summer of highschool my mom found out and she flipped. Oh god it was offal and she made me feel like total crap. As I started going to the center in Fl for there general program I started sleeping with guys because I wanted the feelings to end. I needed them to so my mom would get better. Well, after about 5 months of this my heart was tired of justifying why I was doing such stupid things. By this time Becky and I were falling apart and then I had the best but worst relationship with an older woman. She showed so much about being who I wanted and loving myself. Though she did me so wrong in the end it was definitely the starting boost I needed to make up for the lack of understanding I received from my family and those men who I thought would save my mom's habbit. now I am proud to say that what my family and friends say does not effect me at all and I am my own person. I do feel though that I am to quioet and obsessed with meeting people on the net instead of in person lets say at a club which brings me to my next thing. I struggle with my blindness effecting my sexuality everyday. It does and I feel so bad but am so self conscious. I feel I do not dress right, do not act gay as a girl at work proceeding to tell me, and more. I am my own worst critic but I vowed now that this is a new year to sort of start doing the things that I wanted instead.hiding.
Jess,
Yours is an interesting story, and thank you for sharing it. I think I can say without fear of contradiction that you are not alone in your feelings, and that there are many out there that have felt similar things. You showed courage in your decision to post here, and you are living up to your new years resolution. I hope your story inspires more people to post their stories here.
Thanks.
Chris
wow. this is definitely an interesting topic. i liked reading the posts.
At the age of 16 (I’m 21 now), I started to realize I was attracted to girls. I know that probably seems kinda late, but I believe I was a late bloomer cause of my upbringing. I was raised Christian, and told that two people of the same sex who were together “wasn’t normal”. I remember one day in particular when my mom and I were at McCallum high school (she used to be the nurse there) and she saw two girls holding hands and exclaimed, “Nasty”! I pretended to agree, but inside I wished I could go up to those girls and say hi.
One day I was hanging out with a teacher’s assistant I trusted, and I came out to her right then and there. I told her I had nowhere to turn, and that I’d like her help if she could point me in some sorta direction. So, she pointed me to a social worker named Roy who she told me had a gay daughter, and I started seeing him for what he called “Coming of age issues”. After some time passed, he informed me that since I was a minor he’d have to tell my mom I had been seeing him. However, he left it up to me to actually come out to her, and I did. My mom didn’t take it well at all, and she told me I just didn’t know what the fuck I wanted out of life. So, there I was again with conflicting thoughts about whether or not I should be attracted to my same gender, and it was one of the worst feelings in the world.
It wasn’t till I went to the Louisiana Center for the Blind and was away from the family that I realized my sexuality was something I couldn’t change. I realized that dating guys to try and “turn” straight wasn’t the answer...the answer was to accept and embrace being gay within myself and not care about what others thought. I was content for the longest time in saying and trying to convince myself I was bisexual, but there’s no point in that when I know and feel what’s truly in my heart every day.
It’s hard enough being blind, but it’s even harder being blind and gay. However, it’s just a part of my life that I have to deal with as positively as possible. My only worry is that I’ll never find the girl of my dreams cause I don’t “look” gay, but I wanna believe everyone when they say I will. I’m not stressing over it, it’s just something I wonder about from time to time. If I could give advice to people struggling with figuring out their sexuality, I’d say if you know the truth in your heart, don’t worry about what others think, cause your happiness is all that matters.
I'm going through all of that coming out business right now. I'm starting with telling my friends that I feel won't care or will be more supportive than others. I'm a junior in college and I've finally admited that I'm bisexual to myself. I'm pretty sure that I've known for at least a year, if not longer, but I've been suppressing those feelings because of the stigma that I've encountered that could come with being LGBT. I'm currently working on telling my parents. It's a huge step for me to tell my friends and even write this post, but I just wanted to thank you all for helping me find the courage to do so.
This is a great topic. Thanks for bringing it up.
When were you able to acknowledge and accept your own feelings?
I was 22 or so before I realized that prefering other men wasn't just a phase I was going through. I dated girls during highschool and did a bit of fooling around with the guys as well, which made me feel guilty. I didn't like the idea of leading a double life. I'm still very close friends with the last girl I dated. I couldn't tell her of my attraction to other men back then. She just wasn't ready for that kind of knoledge yet. She was from a small town, and she was a lot more closed minded back then. She knows now though, and we can talk about it openly.
Have you found that being blind affects your opportunities to find your soul mate?
Oh definitely. Being both totally blind and legally deaf, it's pretty hard to socialize on any level, much less find like minded guys.
What do you regret, if anything, about your childhood or teenage years in relation to your self-discovery?
I grew up in a bording school, and many of the guys who put me down during the day would come to my room at night for me to suck them off. I wish I'd had more backbone. During the day, I always downplayed my enjoyment of sex with other guys. A couple of guys asked me if I really enjoyed it and I just sort of laughed it off. I was afraid that if I was honest, I'd get teased and bullied even more. I still wish I could be honest with my family, but it would cause too much drama.
What advice would you give to someone who is trying to discover where his or her preferences truly lie?
I was about 30ish before I realized that I am who and what I am, and people can either choose to accept me or not. I find that I'd rather tell people right up front and get it out of the way, so it weeds out those who would judge me and hold it against me. I still feel that I haven't found a good balance between hiding it and letting people know, and I'm almost 40. It's hard to give good advice here, since experience is the best teacher. What worked for me might not work for someone else. I'm here though, if someone needs to talk.
Good Post, Anthony!
I had flirted with the idea of being "out", when in high school; even had a boyfriend. There were positive gay role models on campus. After graduating, I went back "in", while I was living with my family full-time. I've been "out", for keeps, since my university days. All who meet me learn of my preference, early in the relationship. When the subjects of family life and friends come up in 'getting-acquaintee' sort of conversations, I'll speak of my husband. Maybe I should just get a nametag that says "Hello, my name is Dave, and I'm a gay man"? LOL.
Take Care,
Dave H.
This a very interesting topic. I have always been attracted only to other girls/women but didn't come out until 10 years ago when I was diagonsed with breast cancer. I realized that I couldn't wait until tomorrow, because I was living on borrowed time. Now I am out and proud and cancer free!
After giving this quite a bit of thought, thinking maybe I had overlooked something or someone, I had absolutely no gay role models when I was growing up. There were other guys who secretly enjoyed our late night fun, but noone ever talked about it openly. I knew of no teachers or staff that were gay. Many many years later, I learned that one of the dorm supervisors was a lesbian, but by the time I learned of it, I had been out of school for at least 15 years. I wish I had known earlier, though. It would have been really nice to have an adult that I could have turned to, someone who would understand. I did hint about it once, to the school's psychologist, and she asked me, "Do you think that such behavior is normal?" I should have said that it felt pretty normal to me, but I was a shy teenager, and thought I was a freak, so I didn't want to make matters even worse.
To this very day, my mother believes that a truly gay guy has a gland at the back of their throat that has to have a man's spirm in order to be satisfied, so it's pretty easy to see how a conversation about this sort of thing with her would just be emotional suicide.
hmm i'll put my answers to these questions here. as well.
When were you able to acknowledge and accept your own feelings?
I was 16 when i first started thinking i was bi. only to realize when i was 18 that i was actually a lesbian.
Have you found that being blind affects your opportunities to find your soul mate?
no it doesn't, only cuz i have my soulmate. it is a long distance relationship, but her and i are devoted to eachother and only eachother we can't see ourlives without the other. she is the most amazing person i've ever met.
What do you regret, if anything, about your childhood or teenage years in relation to your self-discovery?
what i regret, all the times i would have phone sex with someone who was a friend of my friend, and letting a male touch me, when we were somewhere together. i shouldn't regret those things, but i do now.
What advice would you give to someone who is trying to discover where his or her preferences truly lie?
just basically be true to yourself and that's about it. i'm not good at giving advice.
This is such an imotive topic! A really moving account from the creator and some equally sincere and interesting responses. So to the questions .. I don’t remember a time when I was not attracted to women, these feelings just intensified and developed as I got older. However these feelings were boxed away in a part of my mind where I could day dream and indulge myself in them and yet to the outside world I was just a regular girl who liked boys and had the occasional boyfriend. I think during my teenage years I was just incredibly desperate to fit in. I was the only blind teenager in my community in a very insular place. To be gay was about the worst possible thing you could be and I guess I kind of bought in to that and I admit I regarded being a lesbian as some kind of monstrous curse that must be avoided. It wasn’t until I was around 21 when I really acknowledged that I liked women exclusively and that I would eventually have to accommodate these feelings. I really could have done with some positive role models at this time of my life-just some one to tell me that it was ok for me to be myself, but isn’t that what we all want? I had a group of male friends when I was around the age of 20 or so who used to really tease and taunt me because they thought I might be a lesbian. Of course I was so worried that they were on to me that I was in fierce denial about it which just made it worse. For me I think I needed to sample the heteronormative self that I could have become in order to reject and shake it off so that I could truly grow in to the person I was meant to be. Blindness was so tied up with sexuality for me, I couldn’t grasp how I could deal with this overload of identity, I already felt isolated so being a lesbian almost felt like a self inflicted burden that was too much to bear. As far as finding a partner is concerned I feel in some way that being blind gives me a slight advantage, I am more cautious about being with the rite person because of how my blindness will fit in to the relationship. Also there are women out there who would dismiss me as a romantic partner simply because I am blind which to be honest is fine by me! It just helps me in the process of elimination! I echo a previous poster’s comment about wishing that they had come out sooner. Those formative teenage years can not be retaken and maybe I would have had different experiences if I had been out as a lesbian during this time, but for better or worse I don’t know. I hear so many young people talking about being gay as if it is the worst thing there is to be, and yes I do know that this is only the feelings of a proportion of this age group. Added to this is society’s face of acceptance towards homosexuality and yet beneath the surface homophobic hate crime still lives on, even in small ways like a certain board on here for example! I know that I did not have the maturity, or for that matter a thick enough skin to deal with that kind of negativity during my teenage years. So no! I do not really regret that I did not come out sooner and sadly that is mostly due to self protection. I wish I could advise any young person to embrace their homosexuality and enjoy the consequences of that to the max but because of the reasons above I just can’t! all I can suggest is that you start that process at a time that feels rite for you! There is love out there! Hats off to the creator of this topic for creating it! I’m here, I’m queer and yes I’m blind too! lol
Oh, how bueatifully the original poste is written. *smile..
I'd love to share my own experience here, as it seems, you've opened the topic for honest revealation.. I, after 10 years of obsessive denial, came out to myself in 1989. I knew that I loved women long before, but, due to both the Bible, and my own culture's insistance on keeping things quiet, I was quite close to Suicide before finally accepting my desires for a woman.
I feel that a lot of our problems stem both, from our own views about Homosexuality, as well as a confusion as to how we need to fit into our own Society
As a blind woman, I feel like all my Lesbianism shows is an added sense of not fitting in, though I do tend to hide behind my 11 year old daughter, and my single parenthood, at least to the older comunity I live in now.
Loving one who is of the same sex requires a great deal of emotional conviction that can only come from within. And a great level of straight confedence in one's self.